luni, 24 august 2009

Back on track : Third Night

Fireworks and screams of happy crowds could be heard on the streets of the Capital-City of the planet Albetros.The day had finally come for the great gladiator games.
This Gladiator Games as they were called were held once every decade in an grand arena on the outer edges of the city, it was 2 miles in diameter could hold an audience of 200 million, almost half of the capitals population, the other half could watch the games on giant monitors installed on the streets.
The Arena was bulging with people and the noise, commotion and fireworks explosions in the sky made it look a little bit like a make believe war.
Grand General Stubbs watched over the spectators from his separate booth, he let out a chuckle and thought " They want to see death, then by the God-Emperor they will see death today". He approached a terminal linked to all the speakers in the arena, he pushed the on button.
- My fellow Imperium subjects......today is a grand day !!! The Gladiator Games, the games that are held once every decade, are today...the Imperium Guards finest fight today here, also people from all walks of live signed up !!!! You came here wanting to see fighting and death ?! I WILL GIVE YOU A BLOODBATH !!! FOR THE EMPEROR LET THE GAMES BEGIN !!!!

The arena floor opened to it's sides, a huge elevator brought the gladiators to the surface, all naked all barehanded, all confused none a stranger to death.

- FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFES !!! FIGHT FOR IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL SURELY DIE !!!

A great scream emerged from the pit, a thousand mouths crying out in pain.Blood, pain, agony and death. The crowd was ecstatic.
After six hours of fighting only a dozen remained. The General spoke.
- We need only six of you !
In the end there were only six left.
A bright light in the sky, a loud noise like a great explosion....a manly figure was descending from the heavens. It spoke :
- I AM CHAPLAIN EREZAIA !!! I AM THE EMPERORS WILL MADE MANIFEST !!! BEHOLD ME AND WORSHIP HIS NAME !! YOU SIX HAVE PROVEN WORTHY OF JOINING THE SPACE MARINES CHAPTER EMPERORS RAGE !!! THIS IS YOUR PRIZE FOR BEING THE ELITE !!!Do you accept ?
The six scared men looked at each other then at the chaplain.
- We accept, they said at unison.
- Good, whispered Erezaia.Battle Barge take us up.
- Understood Chaplain.
The six men opened their eyes, the disorientation from the flash of light was clearing away, they beheld their surroundings, metal and glass embraced them and sounds of machines filled their ears.
- Welcome aboard neophytes. You are on the Battle barge " The Shimmering Sword", I am First Brother Lucius, your superior.Your names are not important, you leave that life behind you, you are now neophytes in the Space Marines and you will be given new names. Follow me, i will take you to the chaplain, he will instruct you on what is to happen next.
Blood souked and arms trembling from exhaustion the six new neophytes followed First Brother Lucius on that dark hallway...the voice made itself heard again.

duminică, 16 august 2009

Sarituri off topice. Lord of the Rings Fellowship of The Ring abridged.

Bilbo Baggins lived in The Shire, a place were rock legends went to retire, sort of like Florida, but more green and fantasy like. So Bilbo being the rock star that he was decided to retire from the rock world. This Bilbo Baggins had no real family to say, except for a nephew Frodo Baggins. Frodo Baggins was a little weakling and sort of kind of gay looking, but he was a cool guy so when his parents died, Bilbo took him in and taught him the beeter parts of rocking.
Anyway....

Bilbo's 111 birthday was coming along and he was one of the oldest Hobbit Rockstars Middle Earht was given to see.Biblo set up a hell of a party with every old rock fart in THE SHIRE and some fine ass tail from the young hobbit groopie girls ;).
Bilbo didn't care for the money he had, he only cared for a ring...actually The RING. the one and only.He stole it from a vocalist Gollum when he was a backstage hand on a tour for Gollums band.
In any case, the ring had the power to make any concert into a rocking stage legend...but at the price of your soul, and + 20% interest of every ticket sold.
So even though Bilbo made a fortune with the ticket money, he kind of sort of lost his soul to The RING.
The party was on and a great band was playing pyrotechnics offered by the great wizard Gandalf the G(r)ay wielder of the Sacred Flame of Aiur.
- Kick ass party Bilbo !!! yelled Gandalf making himself heard over the shouts of the crowd.
- Fuck yeah, it better be, im paying you a fortune for this !!!
From nowhere Frodo appear in his slightly Emo looking outfit.
- I am my own monster, i wish i would die, my life has no meaning.....
- Fuck you Frodo screamed Gandalf and lunged at him fists swinging.
- Yes hit me more, i like it.
- Well i see everyone is having fun now interrupted Bilbo, but it's time for my speech.
He climbed on the stage, kicked the band off and yelled.
- YO YO YO LISTEN UP YOU TODAY'S MY 111 BIRTHDAY !!! ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME !!!???
- FUCK YEAH screamed the crowd in replay.
-GOOD GOOD !!! BUT AS I'M GROWING OLD I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM RETIREING....
- WHAT THE FUCK MAN !!! WE WERE EXPECTING YOU TO LIVE FOREVER.
- WELL FUCK NOT....anyway......IM LEAVING EVERYTHING TO FRODO. SO FUCK YOU EVERYONE ELSE THAT WAS EXPECTING TO GET MY FORTUNE.
Frodo fainthed from the shock.

Later at Bilbos house Gandalf talked to Bilbo.
- So are you really leaving everything to Frodo, even The RING ?!
- Yes yes even The RING....
- So were are you going to go ?
- Well i was thinking of staing with the hippie elves, the weed there is quite great.
- I hear you brother.
- Anyway....i was thinking, how about we get your soul back ?
- What do you mean ?
- Well if we destroy The Ring we should break the spell.
- Cool, how do we do that ?
- Well we cast The RING in the fires of Mount Doom.
- Geat, make Frodo do it, im going now, here have it.
- Cool bro cool.
Bilbo left for the elven town of Rivendell, leaving Frodo to fend for himself.
- Frooooodooooo........Frooodooo, wake up......
- Mommy ?
- FRODO WAKE UP YOU LITTLE PEACE OF SHIT !!!!
Gandalf was atop of Frodo almost ready to punch him and beat him to an inch of his life
- Im up im up....dont kill me, i wanna do it myself.
- Get packing, your going to Rivendell.....
- WHY ?
- YOU DARE QUESTION ME !!!! I CAN BURN YOU TO A CRISP !!!! NOW GET GOING
- yes sir......
- Ooooh, and get that gay ass groupie Sam Gamgee to go with you, you might need something to bargain with
- Can i take Marry and Pippin with me ?
- Fuck, whatever just get going....oooh and here, take this ring and when you get to Rivendell show it to Elrond Halfelven, he will tell you what to do next.

Frodo set out on his epic journey to Rivendell with Sam Gamgee who was more than happy to follow, and Merry and Pippin to lazy ass crack heads that were Frodos childhood friends, they came along for the promise of weed.
- Frodo sir, we've been walking for days now, arent we close to Rivendell by now ?
- No Sam, but were near Bree, we can make a stop there and get some cigs and pills.
- PILLS ?! yelled Merry and Pippin.
- Yes pills.....
They arived in Bree, a depraved village on the edge of The Shire and the old kingdom of Numenor.They made a stop at the Prancing Pony, a nice little whorehouse in the center of the villege. The matron welcomed theme:
- WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU FOUR WANT ?! Cand you see were busy ?
- We would like a room, some cigs, booze pills and 8 girls.
- You got money ?
- Cash up front.
- Welcome to the Prancing Pony horewouse boys, enjoy your orgy, sayd the matron weith a sadistic smile on her face.

The four boys were having a good time smoking, drinking and fucking, when suddenly a weird sound came from the left wall.
- What was that said Frodo ?
- Probably someone in the next room.
- It came from the left wall. She said were the last room on the left wing of the building on this level.
- Fuck i dont know.
Frodo picked up the randomly placed sledgehammer in the corner of the room and smashed the wall asunder with his hobbit strength.
A new room emerged in front of them with a camera in it and a hooded man in the corner.
- Who are you ? Show yourself, what are you doing in this room ?
- Relax little hobbit, i was just filming you, we were going to use the tape for a halfling fetish porn.....
- What's a camera, and whats a tape..... O_O
- .......................doesn't matter, it's to early for that -_-"
- What's your name ?
- Just call me...."Strider"
- Yeah whatever, you wanna come with us to Rivendell ?
- Sure.
Next morning they set out and shortly they were ambushed by nine Black Metal fans
-We are The Nine Ring Wraiths.....we will kill you and we will take The RING....
- WHAT THE FUCK MAN !!! CAN THIS DAY GET ANY BETTER ? " STRIDER" GET THEM !!!
- YES MY MASTER......wait wait wait, that didn't come out right....anyway
BAM BAM BAM PIU PIU PIU the ring wraiths are banished.....the party has leveld up
- Cool....moving on..
They reached Rivendell, " Strider" found himself a cool elven girlfriend and they all smoked some elven weed.

Frodo showed The RING to Elrond. Elrond talked.
- Ce pula mea e cacatul asta NU IMI VINE SA CRED CA VII CU INELUL ASTA DE CACAT LA MINE FUTUTI MORTII MATII DACA NU IMI PLACEA CUM CANTA BUNICATU TE BATEAM DE ITI CADEAU DINTII DIN GURA.
- Wow, sayd Frodo in awe....The Elven speech is complex and wonderful, i wish i could understand what he said.
- This ring is a burden, we must make a council to see what to do with it.
- Aaaaaa, ok, let me know how it goes, im going home.
- Oooooh where do you think your going, it's your fault this happened, your going to the council too.
- FUCK !!!

The council day arived and Frodo was nervous as hell.....
- MY PILLS WHERE ARE MY PILS.
Elrond entered the room....
- Bagamiash pula in mortii matii de hobbit drogat...te-ash bate de ti-ar sari pula din pelvis si s-ar ascunde in pula ta.
- Ahhhhh elfish, so wonderfull, i feel relaxed now. Ok Elrond, im ready for the council.
They came for the council. Three from the elven realm, from the forests of Mirkwood, three from the race of men, from the Gondor realm, three of the Dwarfs....who cares where from, some rednecks from the mountain, one wizard ( GANDALF), Elrond and Frodo.

- Ok, here's the deal. This is The RING, that ring that makes all the concerts you do become "sold out", for that it takes your soul and 20% of the profit. We gotta destroy it, and this little piece of shit hobbit here is gonna do it.
- WHAT !!!! yelled every one
"He called me a little piece of shit, how nice" smiled Frodo in his mind
-Yeah, we have to take it to Mordor and cast in the fires of Mount Doom bla bla bla.
From Gondor Borromir took the floor.
- You want us to take it to Mordor ?
- Yeah.
- One does not simply ROCK into Mordor ! Not even with 10.000 fans could you enter, it's Black Gates are guarded by more than just homosexual orcs and trolls, there is an evil there that never sleeps, THE GREAT ASS HOLE on top of Bara'Dun is ever wachfull, never sleeping. To even think of it is madness.

"Strider" started rambling.
- We can do it friends, if we believe in the power of good we can do it.
- AND WHAT WOULD A RANGER KNOW ABOUT ROCKING ?!
Legolas ( one of the god damn elves, you know him as Orlando Fucking Bloom ) intervened.
- BA IN PULA MEA ASTA NU E RANGER OARECARE MA PULA PROASTA, ASTA II ARAGORN FA TARFA PROASTA DIN NEAMU LU ARATHORN ULTIMUL DIN NUMERONIENI MA PIZDA MATII CE ESTI.
" Ahhhhh elven is so nice" Frodo thought again.
- Ooooh so this is the lost heir to the kingdom of Gondor, how nice, cool bro cool, im sorry.Ok, i'l listen to you.
Elrond takes the floor:
- BA DECI FITI ATENTI, PULA BLEAGA EMO ASTA DE AICI, FRODO, O SA DUCA INELUL LA MORDOR IS O SA IL DISTRUGA, PROBLEME ?!
- If by my death or my life i can help you, i shall, my vocal's are yours, sayd Aragorn ( the former "Strider" now played by the amazing Vigo Mortensen)
- And you have my lead guitar, said Legolas.
- And my base axe, shouted Gimili ( one of the dwarfs, they dont talk much )
- You carry the fait of us all little one, if this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done, you have my drums.

From the shadows emerged Sam Gamgee, who is a true groopie and can not miss a concert of his favorite band.
From the smokes of the dungeons where they were smoking weed Merry and Pippin came out.
- We three are going too.
- AHHHH IN PULA MEA NU MAI SE TERMINA CACATUL ASTA BINE BINE !!!!! NOUA OAMENI IN TOTAL, HMMMMM O SA VA CHEME SLIPKNOT CA PE FORMATIA AIA DIN IRL, pana mea si aia au la oameni ca nu mai ii stii cum ii cheama, oricu cui ii pasa.
"Ahhhh elven is so nice "
-Now go God damn it....im sick of you staying here.

So they set out, they walked some time, they rested some time, they smoked sometime, the band practiced sometime......oooh i forgot to mention, Gandalf went along with them....they do need a good pyrotechnics expert.
Later Gandalf died of an overdose of Balrog in the Moria Mines after a great concert for the goblins there. They left the body behind.

They reached the elven capital of Lothlorien. They left it.

The went forward by boat, when they stopped they found a gay orc band and they challenged them to a battle of the bands.....Slipknot won ^_^

Frodo slipped away with the groupie Sam and so ends the first book of the Lord of the Rings abridged....i swear this is what happened.
Next Book, The two Towers coming....when i feel like it ^_^

vineri, 14 august 2009

Second Night

The Chapel lay ahead of him, the hallway seemed longer than usual and a strangely a lot darker...
First Brother Lucius found himself in front of the grand doors of the chapel dedicated to the God Emperor of Man.The doors were huge, three men standing on each others shoulders could not top it, and on the doors the symbol of the chapter was carved in a stylish manner. The Chapters symbol was simple compared to other Space Marine symbols. It was a sword and a spiral, nothing more nothing less, nothing special.
"The chaplain is surely waiting for me" thought Lucius, " He probably knows of the doubt in my mind already".
He let out a loud sight and pushed the chapel doors aside
A bright light struck his eyes blinding him for moments. When he could finally see again he observed his surroundings. A great golden altar lay ahead of him and the walls were decorated with stained glass depicting the God Emperor and chapters of history from the Horus Heresy Era, a clearly paved road led to the altar and he could see other Space Marines on their knees praying. Strangely no light source could be found but the room was still illuminated, he didn't pay attention to this. He looked around for the chaplain but he was nowhere to be found. He turned around only to find a face with a mask of a skull on it and a pair of green eyes staring into hes.
- Welcome First Brother Lucius, i am glad you came too see me.
- Chaplain Erezaia, always a pleasure too see you can still sneak up on me.I will figure out how you do that one day. In any case, i came to report that the recruitment festival on Albetros is due tomorrow. As usual they have not been told why they fight for.They know if they don't fight they will die anyway.
- Good good. I am pleased by your report. In all the long years that you have served me not once did you fail my tasks, i am proud of you. Very well i shall inform my superior and so forth, be sure the Chapter Master will hear the news.
- Thank you Chaplain Erezaia. I will take my leave now.
- Very well First Brother Lucius, i shall see you at the next sermon.
- Yes Chaplain.
Lucius took for the door, not looking behind him for the world, he almost had the door knob in his hand when....
- Ohhhh, First Brother ! One more thing....do i detect uncertainty in your purpose ?
- Chaplain, i do not understand....
- I know what you thought on the bridge tonight, i find your lack of faith disturbing.
- Please forgive me Chaplain, it was a momentary slip up, I know the God Emperor is watching us, i know the Empire can never fall.
- You are lucky i do not sense the taint of Chaos on you First Brother or else you would have been dead the moment you stepped in the chapel. Be gone now, and remember that fear denies faith. Think on this.
- Yes, Chaplain.
- I look forward to the new neophytes First Brother, do not let me down a second time for i shall not be so kind.
First Brother Lucius exited the chapel more confused and full of worry than he had entered it.
"After all the battles and sacrifices i made how can he still doubt my faith ?! " tought Lucius while walking away.....
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss, how can they........" a voice echoed in Luciu's head......
It felt like something or someone is pulling at his mind....Lucius stopped and looked around, he was alone.
"Must be the pressure"

miercuri, 12 august 2009

First Night

From above, the planet looked purple with a taint of blue from the weird mix of gases in the atmosphere but in truth the surface was green and luscious with blue oceans.
This was the planet Albetros named after the Chapter Master of the Space Marines that won it for the Imperium of Man from the forces of Chaos some five thousand years ago, now recruiting world for the fairly new Emperors Rage Chapter.
The Emperors Rage Chapter was a new one indeed, little over three thousand years old it was founded by Indrick Boreal who was granted the honor of Chapter Master after the conquest of the Kaurava Planet System.
The planet was of Space Marine rule, but it was governed by one of the most loyal Imperial Guard commanders, Grand General Stubbs who also proved his worth in the Kaurava War.He never opposed a recruit harvest, on the contrary he recommended some of his finest men for the roster.
The time has come for another harvest for the chapters neophytes numbers were dropping after the last campaing.


The ship emerged out of The Warp stopping over the planet Albetros.
- Spectacular stop Navigator, one of the finest if i ever seen one.
- Thank you First Brother Lucius, it is my duty to serve.
- And serve you did, replied First Brother Lucius.
First Brother Lucius approached the communication station:
- Grand General Stubbs...come in....over
A moment of silence served to draw attention of all that were on the deck.
- This is Grand General Stubbs, what is my Lord's will, over ?!
- At ease general, i'm nobody's lord, just a servant of the Emperor, how are you old friend ?
- It is good to hear your voice First Brother Lucius, i have taken care of the planet in the Chapter's leave and i have scheduled the recruitment ceremony and have selected the finest warriors of the planet to fight in the pit First Brother.
- As allways i trust your judgment of the recruits.Very well, let them know that tomorrow morning they fight for their lives, but as allways the prize remains unknown, do you understand ?
- Yes First Brother, i shall do as you instruct.....General Stubbs out.
" Loyal as ever my old friend....i hope you provide us with some good recruits this time too...the Empire is too weak right now to suffer any loss....what am i thinking, THIS IS HERESY !!! THE EMPIRE NEVER SUFFERS LOSSES !!! " thought FB Lucius as he exited the bridge hurrying to the chapel....