Sarituri off topice. Lord of the Rings Fellowship of The Ring abridged.

Bilbo Baggins lived in The Shire, a place were rock legends went to retire, sort of like Florida, but more green and fantasy like. So Bilbo being the rock star that he was decided to retire from the rock world. This Bilbo Baggins had no real family to say, except for a nephew Frodo Baggins. Frodo Baggins was a little weakling and sort of kind of gay looking, but he was a cool guy so when his parents died, Bilbo took him in and taught him the beeter parts of rocking.
Anyway....

Bilbo's 111 birthday was coming along and he was one of the oldest Hobbit Rockstars Middle Earht was given to see.Biblo set up a hell of a party with every old rock fart in THE SHIRE and some fine ass tail from the young hobbit groopie girls ;).
Bilbo didn't care for the money he had, he only cared for a ring...actually The RING. the one and only.He stole it from a vocalist Gollum when he was a backstage hand on a tour for Gollums band.
In any case, the ring had the power to make any concert into a rocking stage legend...but at the price of your soul, and + 20% interest of every ticket sold.
So even though Bilbo made a fortune with the ticket money, he kind of sort of lost his soul to The RING.
The party was on and a great band was playing pyrotechnics offered by the great wizard Gandalf the G(r)ay wielder of the Sacred Flame of Aiur.
- Kick ass party Bilbo !!! yelled Gandalf making himself heard over the shouts of the crowd.
- Fuck yeah, it better be, im paying you a fortune for this !!!
From nowhere Frodo appear in his slightly Emo looking outfit.
- I am my own monster, i wish i would die, my life has no meaning.....
- Fuck you Frodo screamed Gandalf and lunged at him fists swinging.
- Yes hit me more, i like it.
- Well i see everyone is having fun now interrupted Bilbo, but it's time for my speech.
He climbed on the stage, kicked the band off and yelled.
- YO YO YO LISTEN UP YOU TODAY'S MY 111 BIRTHDAY !!! ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME !!!???
- FUCK YEAH screamed the crowd in replay.
-GOOD GOOD !!! BUT AS I'M GROWING OLD I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM RETIREING....
- WHAT THE FUCK MAN !!! WE WERE EXPECTING YOU TO LIVE FOREVER.
- WELL FUCK NOT....anyway......IM LEAVING EVERYTHING TO FRODO. SO FUCK YOU EVERYONE ELSE THAT WAS EXPECTING TO GET MY FORTUNE.
Frodo fainthed from the shock.

Later at Bilbos house Gandalf talked to Bilbo.
- So are you really leaving everything to Frodo, even The RING ?!
- Yes yes even The RING....
- So were are you going to go ?
- Well i was thinking of staing with the hippie elves, the weed there is quite great.
- I hear you brother.
- Anyway....i was thinking, how about we get your soul back ?
- What do you mean ?
- Well if we destroy The Ring we should break the spell.
- Cool, how do we do that ?
- Well we cast The RING in the fires of Mount Doom.
- Geat, make Frodo do it, im going now, here have it.
- Cool bro cool.
Bilbo left for the elven town of Rivendell, leaving Frodo to fend for himself.
- Frooooodooooo........Frooodooo, wake up......
- Mommy ?
- FRODO WAKE UP YOU LITTLE PEACE OF SHIT !!!!
Gandalf was atop of Frodo almost ready to punch him and beat him to an inch of his life
- Im up im up....dont kill me, i wanna do it myself.
- Get packing, your going to Rivendell.....
- WHY ?
- YOU DARE QUESTION ME !!!! I CAN BURN YOU TO A CRISP !!!! NOW GET GOING
- yes sir......
- Ooooh, and get that gay ass groupie Sam Gamgee to go with you, you might need something to bargain with
- Can i take Marry and Pippin with me ?
- Fuck, whatever just get going....oooh and here, take this ring and when you get to Rivendell show it to Elrond Halfelven, he will tell you what to do next.

Frodo set out on his epic journey to Rivendell with Sam Gamgee who was more than happy to follow, and Merry and Pippin to lazy ass crack heads that were Frodos childhood friends, they came along for the promise of weed.
- Frodo sir, we've been walking for days now, arent we close to Rivendell by now ?
- No Sam, but were near Bree, we can make a stop there and get some cigs and pills.
- PILLS ?! yelled Merry and Pippin.
- Yes pills.....
They arived in Bree, a depraved village on the edge of The Shire and the old kingdom of Numenor.They made a stop at the Prancing Pony, a nice little whorehouse in the center of the villege. The matron welcomed theme:
- WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU FOUR WANT ?! Cand you see were busy ?
- We would like a room, some cigs, booze pills and 8 girls.
- You got money ?
- Cash up front.
- Welcome to the Prancing Pony horewouse boys, enjoy your orgy, sayd the matron weith a sadistic smile on her face.

The four boys were having a good time smoking, drinking and fucking, when suddenly a weird sound came from the left wall.
- What was that said Frodo ?
- Probably someone in the next room.
- It came from the left wall. She said were the last room on the left wing of the building on this level.
- Fuck i dont know.
Frodo picked up the randomly placed sledgehammer in the corner of the room and smashed the wall asunder with his hobbit strength.
A new room emerged in front of them with a camera in it and a hooded man in the corner.
- Who are you ? Show yourself, what are you doing in this room ?
- Relax little hobbit, i was just filming you, we were going to use the tape for a halfling fetish porn.....
- What's a camera, and whats a tape..... O_O
- .......................doesn't matter, it's to early for that -_-"
- What's your name ?
- Just call me...."Strider"
- Yeah whatever, you wanna come with us to Rivendell ?
- Sure.
Next morning they set out and shortly they were ambushed by nine Black Metal fans
-We are The Nine Ring Wraiths.....we will kill you and we will take The RING....
- WHAT THE FUCK MAN !!! CAN THIS DAY GET ANY BETTER ? " STRIDER" GET THEM !!!
- YES MY MASTER......wait wait wait, that didn't come out right....anyway
BAM BAM BAM PIU PIU PIU the ring wraiths are banished.....the party has leveld up
- Cool....moving on..
They reached Rivendell, " Strider" found himself a cool elven girlfriend and they all smoked some elven weed.

Frodo showed The RING to Elrond. Elrond talked.
- Ce pula mea e cacatul asta NU IMI VINE SA CRED CA VII CU INELUL ASTA DE CACAT LA MINE FUTUTI MORTII MATII DACA NU IMI PLACEA CUM CANTA BUNICATU TE BATEAM DE ITI CADEAU DINTII DIN GURA.
- Wow, sayd Frodo in awe....The Elven speech is complex and wonderful, i wish i could understand what he said.
- This ring is a burden, we must make a council to see what to do with it.
- Aaaaaa, ok, let me know how it goes, im going home.
- Oooooh where do you think your going, it's your fault this happened, your going to the council too.
- FUCK !!!

The council day arived and Frodo was nervous as hell.....
- MY PILLS WHERE ARE MY PILS.
Elrond entered the room....
- Bagamiash pula in mortii matii de hobbit drogat...te-ash bate de ti-ar sari pula din pelvis si s-ar ascunde in pula ta.
- Ahhhhh elfish, so wonderfull, i feel relaxed now. Ok Elrond, im ready for the council.
They came for the council. Three from the elven realm, from the forests of Mirkwood, three from the race of men, from the Gondor realm, three of the Dwarfs....who cares where from, some rednecks from the mountain, one wizard ( GANDALF), Elrond and Frodo.

- Ok, here's the deal. This is The RING, that ring that makes all the concerts you do become "sold out", for that it takes your soul and 20% of the profit. We gotta destroy it, and this little piece of shit hobbit here is gonna do it.
- WHAT !!!! yelled every one
"He called me a little piece of shit, how nice" smiled Frodo in his mind
-Yeah, we have to take it to Mordor and cast in the fires of Mount Doom bla bla bla.
From Gondor Borromir took the floor.
- You want us to take it to Mordor ?
- Yeah.
- One does not simply ROCK into Mordor ! Not even with 10.000 fans could you enter, it's Black Gates are guarded by more than just homosexual orcs and trolls, there is an evil there that never sleeps, THE GREAT ASS HOLE on top of Bara'Dun is ever wachfull, never sleeping. To even think of it is madness.

"Strider" started rambling.
- We can do it friends, if we believe in the power of good we can do it.
- AND WHAT WOULD A RANGER KNOW ABOUT ROCKING ?!
Legolas ( one of the god damn elves, you know him as Orlando Fucking Bloom ) intervened.
- BA IN PULA MEA ASTA NU E RANGER OARECARE MA PULA PROASTA, ASTA II ARAGORN FA TARFA PROASTA DIN NEAMU LU ARATHORN ULTIMUL DIN NUMERONIENI MA PIZDA MATII CE ESTI.
" Ahhhhh elven is so nice" Frodo thought again.
- Ooooh so this is the lost heir to the kingdom of Gondor, how nice, cool bro cool, im sorry.Ok, i'l listen to you.
Elrond takes the floor:
- BA DECI FITI ATENTI, PULA BLEAGA EMO ASTA DE AICI, FRODO, O SA DUCA INELUL LA MORDOR IS O SA IL DISTRUGA, PROBLEME ?!
- If by my death or my life i can help you, i shall, my vocal's are yours, sayd Aragorn ( the former "Strider" now played by the amazing Vigo Mortensen)
- And you have my lead guitar, said Legolas.
- And my base axe, shouted Gimili ( one of the dwarfs, they dont talk much )
- You carry the fait of us all little one, if this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done, you have my drums.

From the shadows emerged Sam Gamgee, who is a true groopie and can not miss a concert of his favorite band.
From the smokes of the dungeons where they were smoking weed Merry and Pippin came out.
- We three are going too.
- AHHHH IN PULA MEA NU MAI SE TERMINA CACATUL ASTA BINE BINE !!!!! NOUA OAMENI IN TOTAL, HMMMMM O SA VA CHEME SLIPKNOT CA PE FORMATIA AIA DIN IRL, pana mea si aia au la oameni ca nu mai ii stii cum ii cheama, oricu cui ii pasa.
"Ahhhh elven is so nice "
-Now go God damn it....im sick of you staying here.

So they set out, they walked some time, they rested some time, they smoked sometime, the band practiced sometime......oooh i forgot to mention, Gandalf went along with them....they do need a good pyrotechnics expert.
Later Gandalf died of an overdose of Balrog in the Moria Mines after a great concert for the goblins there. They left the body behind.

They reached the elven capital of Lothlorien. They left it.

The went forward by boat, when they stopped they found a gay orc band and they challenged them to a battle of the bands.....Slipknot won ^_^

Frodo slipped away with the groupie Sam and so ends the first book of the Lord of the Rings abridged....i swear this is what happened.
Next Book, The two Towers coming....when i feel like it ^_^